oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
