You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
