apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
