I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
