Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
