Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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