i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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