his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
