The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
