bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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