don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
