Swine flu. Run for my life!
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
