Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
