I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
