Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
