ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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