I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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