Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dignity is for republicans.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
