How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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