I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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