I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
