My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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