i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
