I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
