Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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