i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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