i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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