I want to have your abortion
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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