you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
