So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
