when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
