Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
