I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize