Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize