Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
