just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize