I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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