So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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