I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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