3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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