I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
