Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
