You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
