I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize