i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
