question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just invented taco cereal.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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