On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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