I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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