apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Randomize
