Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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