I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
