I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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