we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
