I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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