Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
