Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize