dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
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