i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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