Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
