I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I need to sanitize my soul.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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