I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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