Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
