I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I stole a fireplace last night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
